Christmas and me

It's been a strange Christmas for me this year. I decided this year wasn't going to be the usual buying frenzy and gift giving that it was in the past; money has been tight for a few years now and getting tighter. That being said, the true meaning of Christmas has been on my mind a good bit lately. I'm glad it has been too, I keep thinking about people and how to deal with certain situations that are popping up here and there.

My true friends, the ones who don't just want me to help out with something and go away, are my present this year. The ones who are willing to get dirty. Do the heavy lifting and stand with me through it all. I can count these people on 1 hand and still have fingers left over. We will stand together through it all and we will survive. This is a blessing.

I think about how fortunate I am by having a roof over my head and food in my stomach. The thought of living under a bridge is not appealing as is eating out of trash cans behind the local McDonalds. Another blessing.

I have shoes on my feet. I have been places where they don't have such things, they would love to have my worn out beat up boots or my sneakers. Blessing.

You see where this is going? It's not about the trappings of life that makes Christmas, it's the love I feel from others and that is felt toward them. I have enough stuff. No more is needed in my life these days. My needs are met and I will get by.

I will keep thinking about the very first Christmas present ever given. It's still there today. All you need to do is just accept it. It's actually a gift that keeps on giving.

Merry Christmas!

Ready for anything

I went for a ride on my bike yesterday evening. I've done this for, I don't know, maybe 5 years now? Just got home and needed to make myself hurt so I go get my trusty 2 wheeled steed out of the living room. I had gotten a flat on my last ride and needed to repair it first. Not a problem, I have the stuff to do that and I've been fixing bike flats since I was 6. It took me about 5 minutes and my bike was ready.

It was cold, so I put my kit on along with a long sleeve t shirt, then over my shorts, long riding compression pants. Over this, I wore a riding jacket. Add the gloves and helmet and I was ready.

I filled a water bottle and decided to at the last minute, put the headlight on. I discovered the batteries were dead so batteries were located and installed. I was ready for the ride now.

I've ridden on this road for a few years now so I am familiar with the way things work here. Most people know a lot of cyclist ride here so they at least are mindful of us. But no matter, I have a mirror so I can see what is coming from behind me. I'm ready for the unexpected.

It was a really good ride. Cold, clear and invigorating. It started getting dark so I turned on my headlight. Thinking about how good it was to have thought of it. Really proud of myself. Then I stopped for a break and a drink of water. Another cyclist rode by and asked if everything was OK, it was and thanked him for asking. Then, I started back on the road. The front tire was flat!

Now you might think this was an emergency, and it could very well have been. But ever since I started riding, there has been a bag strapped beneath the saddle. In this bag, there is a spare tube, tools and inflation devices. Even though I have changed dozens of tubes over the years and patched as many, I have never had to repair a tire along the side of the road before! And just before dark in the cold isn't where anyone would would choose to do this, but, we can't pick and choose when and where we have difficulties. I have never been able to schedule a crisis, put one off until it was warmer, daylight or when I could better afford it. Or, even when I was better prepared for it mentally!

Being prepared for something that could happen is just common sense. Now, you can't prevent things from happening, but how you handle them can be. I know that flats happen on bikes, the tires are thin and light for a purpose and hitting a hole can puncture on. So, knowing that walking in cycling shoes is not easy and having carried many a cyclist home with their bikes in the back of my truck tells me that being prepared for this is just something to do. It turned into a minor inconvenience as opposed to a long cold walk home in the dark.

I should have taken this advice last week when I drove my old truck for the first time in a couple months, and carried a jug of water with me.....

Things that I have missed

I'm now in my 50's and that warrants a glance back at what things have never entered my life. Things I thought of but never had the pleasure experience or the opportunity came too late or just didn't show up at all.

Simple things, like childhood. I didn't have a happy one. I seemed to sense this as a child, but didn't know what was missing. My other friends were happy, or seemed to be. I went to their homes and saw how the family dynamic worked. Seemed strange to me that they talked to their fathers and they smiled a lot. I tried to avoid mine and worked really hard at it. He felt children were to be used for manual labor in the yard and garden. He didn't play or enjoy anything so we, by extension, should not either. I played little league football one year, he never came to a single game. Christmas was a bad time and it still is something I don't like much, bad memories. I realized later in life what I missed.

As I entered adolescence, it never occurred to me that there was a future and I just might be invited to participate in it. I decided that it wasn't worth the effort to excel, there was no praise or guidance. And understanding wasn't available from any source. I did have a family I hung with, it was really interesting too. 2 girls were my best friends in high school and I was almost like a member of the family. It felt good being there with them, almost normal. I reveled in the company of these people, even though I knew I would never be a voting member, it was a good escape. A few years later it dawned on me, you missed the best time of your life. I thank those folks for giving me an impermanent view of what it could have been.

I spent the early years of my life with a chip on my shoulder and a bad attitude. After getting my butt kicked by life, I decided to look at successful people and emulate that behavior. Not so good when your personality doesn't mesh with that persona. Having been told that I would amount to nothing, I set out to prove the world wrong. I missed out on friendships, college and opportunity because of the latter.

Fatherhood was not to be mine either. That goes hand in hand with parenthood. You know, sharing the joys and sometimes sorrows with your life partner. I know the heartache of knowing that I wouldn't be a father. After 2 invitro attempts, and 4 embryo implants, the future was clear. No children. I missed out on 2 AM feedings, diapers, scouts, driving lessons and teaching what I know to my offspring.

My later years have been concerned with running a business. It is all consuming and leaves little time for anything but itself. I don't get day's off or vacations like others do and since the economy has tanked, I work a part time job to keep afloat. I will probably die with a hammer in my hand. I have missed out on the fruit of my labor. It has withered on the vine.

I am a cynical man but at least I know what I have missed. I can't change that but I can try and change the next few years to be more open to life and all the wonders that it holds. I want to crack that nut and see what's inside. Who knows, this could be the best time of my life. I'm sure hoping it will be!

The cost of failure

I can't seem to wrap my mind around failure. It's seems strange to me that someone would just give in and quit. I'm stubborn as hell about things that are my passion and failure isn't a part of my vernacular. Beaten, bloody and bruised. Down for the count! Chants from the crowd to throw in the towel and save whats left of yourself! After all, self preservation and awareness is what has kept humans around for as long as we have been. That and the Grace of God. Yet, there are those of us that keep going. Refusing to embrace the mindset of failure.

We cut and run when friends need us the most. Hide when frightened by life. Change teams mid season because no one want to loose. Anything at all to keep up the appearance of success. That is failure.

Quitting is easy, making something work is hard and rewarding after the battle. Is it scary? You bet! No one likes to fight, we always choose the path of least resistance because that's just what we do. Changing that is hard work too. If you have always done something one way, it feels strange to make adjustments; feels uncomfortable too. We don't want to make the wrong person angry. I mean couldn't that ruin our lives? Actually, no. If what you are doing is right morally and honest on the inside, what can someone else do? Seriously; what can someone do to you that could ruin you as a person? Lie about you? Happens all the time. Beat you up? Even if I get my ass kicked, I will still let them know they have been in a fight!

So, why the rush to fail? Do we close our businesses because there is more competition or fewer customers? Or do we adapt to the market? Do we abandon our friends because you might get dirty and have to do some heavy lifting? Or suck it up and stand with them? I can only answer that for myself. I refuse to fail.

It may eventually kill me, but I will go out kicking and screaming! I will do whatever it takes to keep going. I will stand with my friends and do what I need to do to keep them standing, as long as they continue to fight.

I once heard that life is a series of storms, It's seems to be the case. You are either going into one, in the middle of one or coming out of one. Take time to enjoy the down time between them.

Savor the sweetness of victory. It is intoxicating!

The question is.... Why?

Why? 3 little letters, not even a compound word yet it has brought many a conversation to a grinding halt. A child asks it 36 times in a row and the answer finally comes down to; "Because it just is! Go ask your mother!" This word can make you feel as dumb as a bag of hammers and it has to me on more than one occasion. It probably will on many more occasions.

I'm facing a "why" moment soon and I really want a good answer to the question. I have none. I need one, not for myself so much but for the question that is posed. It deserves to be answered and hopefully it will be. What is that question? You know that I am fighting the urge to ask you why you need to know! I wont though. I don't know know why.

Ok, that was bad, but that word is like that. You can take a tense moment and bring on such laughter that the question is forgotten. Or such fury that you need to seek shelter. It is dangerous in that what if it really is answered? And the answer isn't what you hoped it would be? Tears have been know to accompany this tiny morsel of a word. The word we learn at an early age and soon uncover the secret of it's power. Has brought many a strong man to his knees, and closed many a sale for me. Yes, it's that lethal!

Be careful with it's usage. It's ruined marriages, friendships and engagements. Lost jobs and tumbled the high and mighty from their lofty perches. Driven wedges between siblings and has probably sent more than one innocent man to prison for a crime he didn't commit! In fact; it should be considered a controlled word, used only when needed and only then after careful peer review.

It can also be used to embarrass others. That's kind of fun, people always feel good about themselves after they make others look stupid. Throw the "why" question at the bore who pontificates for time on end and see where it goes. Just sayin'.

Time for me to ponder my "why", there really isn't a right or wrong answer to that question. It is a life altering result no matter how it's answered. See the power yet? No matter how I answer, my life will be different. How can that be? (not fooling me, that's "why" in dress clothes!) All I will say is it is a powerful little word and should be given the respect that you give anything dangerous; electricity, gunpowder, rattlesnakes...... You get the picture.

Christmas, a season of selling!

It was kind of strange; walking through the store and seeing snowmen and Santas beside the Halloween decorations. Seemed odd to me, it was 95 degrees here and not even November!

It really sucks that my Christmas has now become christmas. I hate that. When I was a child, the true reason for Christmas become clear to me. That reason is just as clear to me today, probably even more so. But it isn't clear to the rest of the world, the politically correct police have seen to that. And retailers are doing their part to.

Black Friday? Cyber Monday? Who comes up with this stuff? I haven't spent much time at the mall the past year, in fact maybe just once or twice. The Mecca for making nice with the retail gods. Pay for your momentary happiness for that one special day! Then return it for what you really want!

People don't smile. It's a season of misery for most, the one time of year where you are going to spread comfort and joy even if it kills you; by god! I think I will pass on that this year.

I don't need much these days, I've learned how to do a lot with very little. That's good, because a lot doesn't exist in my world these days. Tough economy, everyone says it, I feel it. And before you say anything, it's not sour grapes! It's a reality that exist in my world that Christmas is a time of celebration, not for spending more than you earn for things you give that no one remembers.

Tell me, what did you receive last year? What did you give to who? I can't answer that myself and I have a decent memory. I remember a few things but not everything. I choose this year to do; rather than give. I will give of myself to someone who is in need. I'm not sure how I will do this, I am after all the worlds biggest skeptic when it comes to hardship. I've heard all the stories and seen all the fallout. Thing is life is hard for most, harder for others. And as John Wayne once said: "Harder if you are stupid!" Not ever meant to be fair.

I think it was God's plan to make it like that, well, maybe not at first. But we screwed it up and made it like that. Think about it, the first thing God did was give Adam a job. Yes, we were supposed to work. Adam had a cushy gig too! Tend the garden Adam. But like all men, he got "lonely". Enter Eve. We know how that ended. Adam got fired, never regained his status and we are all suffering from it. But, we are still required to work, just like God, who made us in His image. The same one that made the world in 6 days THEN rested! We still screwed things up so enter Jesus. The one perfect man to walk among us imperfect men. Came as a living testament and sacrifice to the love God has for us, even as flawed as we are. He wont ever give up on us.

So, we once again take a sacred Holy day and make it something other than what it is to be. We make it a sale! Put a price on happiness! Stand in line on certain days for a couple trinkets that will last a season and be outdated or broken. Having no money puts things into a perspective that I have lost sight of over the years. I want nothing to do with the christmas of today. I want Jesus to be invited to His own birthday party.

I don't have anything to give but myself. If I can spread cheer and happiness by smiling or helping someone with something, then that is my gift. I will hold the door for the person behind me, drop what I have in the kettle. Small things. That will be how I celebrate this year. The joy of the season will be in my heart, not under the tree.

I still love the movies, the music and the fellowship this time of year, I wish it would last all year long, but on Dec. 26, it goes on clearance and piled on the curb outside in crumpled paper and empty boxes. Life goes back to normal and the dept. stores count up the wins or losses. We talk of how "next year", it will be different. And it will be, I see a pre Labor day christmas sale in the near future.....

Last year I used Father Christmas by Greg Lake as the lead in, this year I think "Where are you Christmas" is apropos. Merry Christmas!

Life begins, again

They say you get one shot at life. Well, I don't know who "they" are but that's not true. It is true that opportunity may show up once in a life time, but you can change your life at anytime for the better or otherwise.

Case in point, I just got a part time job at Wal Mart. Yes, I will be the old guy in the electronics dept. I'm tired of being in debt and having nothing at the end of the month so the decision was made a while back to supplement my income and invest all that into debt reduction strategies. After which, a new Harley Davidson Softail will grace my garage. Time will pass and I don't see this situation fixing itself. So I am changing things for the better.

I have a dear friend that has embarked on a new adventure. A complete lifestyle change is waiting. Uncertainty is gripping the edges and threatening to pull the desire for betterment apart thread by thread until it's nothing but a tattered dream. Yet, she soldiers on. I have seen a dramatic change in her over the past few months. She knows the danger of her decision and the fickle nature of people. She keeps going. She is willing to sacrifice all she has just to be happy and not live in a cage where everything is decided for her. She is what I call a Strong Girl!

Change comes everyday, I once wrote about it and sometimes it is thrust upon you. Some of those changes hurt. When my friend, the Strong Girl, decided to make a change, others were thrust into the chaos of change they had no say so in. It will be interesting to see how they adapt to it. Strong Girl is thriving. Fighting like a true warrior. Learning and applying the knowledge to life. She will do well. She still worries about others, and that is good, but living a life in a ditch just to make someone else happy isn't making the most important person happy. Yourself.

Remember, you can't make someones else happy. You can set the table for happiness but it's up to them to sit down and enjoy it.

Fight on Strong Girl!!! I look forward to seeing you continue to grow and become more than what you ever thought you could!

Strong women

I'm a fan of women. And this being the last day of Breast Cancer Awareness month, I want to celebrate the Strong Woman. I like them. All different shapes and sizes. Some are thin and some are a little more healthy. And most of the women I know or associate with are strong.

Strong women are under appreciated by most of my male counterparts, but then, most men don't try to understand women. Notice I said understand not figured out. And strong women tend to threaten and intimidate most men, by doing nothing more than being strong. Not strong in the physical sense, though some are. Strong in the sense of self confidence and success in their lives.

I see people differently than most, I don't look at the outside so much but more at what goes on between the ears and behind the eyes. The eye's are the window to the soul. Take time to look into them and you can see the story there. The pain and joy are there as clear as day IF you take the time to look. What goes on between the ears is what makes people who they are. Some choose to be smart, others try to be smart and still others are just plain dumb as a bag of hammers.

Strong women are in all categories. Pretty or not. Intelligent or challenged, they all have that one little thing that makes them strong; they have spirit. A beautiful spirit that loves passionately, gives willingly and care unselfishly. They have a drive to be more than what they are and most do it well. This is what men don't understand. They don't like it when women are more successful than they are. It's a blow to that fragile thing called ego. It's a shame too. They miss out on a lot of happiness along the way. A lot of stories and a lot of friendships.

I have a lot of strong women friends, 2 are my best friends. They are still women but they know what they need to do and do it. I know of the insecurities they have and the daily battles they face. But they rise to the challenge, every day and very well! They are smart women. Learning daily and keeping the lessons in their hearts. Both are beautiful souls and would do anything they could to help anyone who needed help. Strong women do that.

There is more to life than a cold beer and reruns of NCIS. There is a world of all kinds of interesting things out there in this world. We all work harder now than we did a while back and energy is limited. But still, conversation is a gem that should be picked up and polished every chance you get! A conversation with a strong women will make you think and keep you on your toes! I like that kind of challenge and I enjoy the company of strong women.

The end.

Life has beaten the ever loving shit out of me and there is really nothing left in the tank to make me keep going. There are reasons to do so but not enough energy to make it happen.

I can't make a living anymore. Things are so tight that a simple mistake can cost you a months labor. A month that I can't spare right now. It's the life I choose and the life I know, but no longer a life I can live. Things have just gotten too bad. I think that is probably the final nail there.

All the regrets I have and all the missed opportunities pale in comparison to finding out way to late that that thing you have always dreamed of, the one thing that you were told existed, really does exist! But now, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it because you are too fucking old and worn out! You have no future because of bad choices. Realizing that the game is ending and you have been on a team that was playing for the competition! Yep, you have been all alone bubba! Out numbered, out maneuvered and out played.

I wont feel sad about my life, I will be happy that it was and now isn't. I learned too late to fend for myself. That you don't ask, you just go and take. That you don't owe anyone anything and if you give it, don't expect anything in return. I know this too well now. And too late.

Now it would be appropriate to go and give all the shout outs to the ones responsible for making me the failure that I am today. I wont. It's all me. I say that because I allowed it to happen. Yep, it's all me. So take a minute and remember a few things with me.

First, the 3 rules. Look back and you will find them, I don't feel like rehashing it now.

Second, true love does really exist, never settle, that path leads to the road I'm walking down. Learn to be patient, it truly will be worth waiting for and you will know it when you find it.

Third, fucking talk about it!!!! Unless you have some insight into the human mind that borders on exceptional, you don't know what anyone else is thinking or even doing. You can cobble together bits of information and draw whatever conclusion you want. But it doesn't make it true or accurate.

Fourth, if the decision doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. Figure this one out yourselves. It's really pretty simple.

Unspoken words cannot help and they don't always hurt. Temper your words, but say what is on your mind. Expect resistance, a kite must fly against the wind!

Think beyond today. Fix the damn roof when the sun is shining! It makes life a little bit easier to live when the rain begins. And yes, rain IS going to fall. It always does.

That's about it then, hope it all works out good for you. Later.

Go with the flow

The river of life is constantly flowing. Once you jump in, you are in until you die.

It's not always the prettiest or the most comforting trip and that's how I think it should be. Explain? I'll try.

If things are to easy, we loose focus on goals. Case in point, most of us are in the middle of the current economic downturn. When times are good and easy, we took for granted that it was always going to be that way. New cars, bigger houses, the newest toys and the Horn of Plenty was flowing with the fruits of our labors. Why fix the roof now? It's not even cloudy! Then the rain starts. The hole in the roof we neglected, because we were so drunk on our own success, is now pouring into our life. We don't like being wet and everything getting ruined. Those of us that realize that we were foolish in some regards; are trying to patch the hole now. The rain has caused damage and we want to minimize it. This is where the river gets rough, flowing swiftly and threatening to take us under. Scary and yet that is what life does. It will hold you accountable for everything it seems.

We survive it, our very nature is to survive. Some don't or even try to but that's for another day.

Is it always as bleak and bad as I describe? No, it's actually a fascinating and wonderful trip. We just tend to screw things up by trying to make something great, something it's not. It's not about things. Loose everything and you still have a reason to be amazed at the this thing called living. I like what the Apostle Paul said when he said he has learned to be content in all things. That's what I want to do. Is money important to me? Yes, I'm not stupid, I have to live and don't like to be hungry. A dirt floor isn't good for my back. But money is not THE thing.

A sunrise is free and gives a show that is awesome to see. A smile, a laugh and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a friend is priceless. The leaves are changing and add beauty to the change of seasons. My dog greeting me and giving me a hug. Just having a conversation and a glass of wine with a friend is sometimes soul cleansing. You get it yet? It's not the circumstances you are in that determine how the ride is, it's how you react to it. Things happen, we screw up, life goes on. Acknowledge it and leave it behind, start to move on down the river. Keep the lesson learned. You already paid for it.

Keep smiling. Hard I know, but if humans only did what was easy, there would not be footprints on the moon.

Enjoy the ride!!

Your dash

Everyone has a dash. It starts the very day you are born and ends the day you die. They are all different, like snow flakes or finger prints. Each unique and as varied as the person who bares it. It's the DNA that was is your life.

For those of you that are looking on your person for a dash, maybe you should not procreate.

Life experiences dictate what your dash ultimately becomes. If you don't accept what you are, your dash will try and mimic someone else. You know what? you are you, I am me. How many of us spend years or even our entire dash trying to be something other than what we are? I have. If you are honest with yourself, you will have to agree.

God made me in His image. I suppose He would know what he is doing. But we tend listen more to the world around us as opposed to the world Creator. We then become what we were not meant to be. When we do that, we cheat ourselves and the world. If we were all the same, life would be boring, and we would really be like ants. Going through life setting up the next generation with what we did and living off the previous.

I've heard some interesting dashes, maybe that's why I enjoy talking with older people. The stories you hear! And remember the greatest generation? Those warriors from the past that gave their all with what they had to once again put tyranny down. They had interesting dashes, stories we will never hear. Most didn't talk about what they did. They did what they had to do, came home and took up life.
They are leaving us now at an accelerated rate. The dashes are all they leave behind.

I will continue working on my dash. I want it to be a long one. One that is interesting to me. If you are reading this, our dashes have probably crossed, or maybe collided. But we survived it and our dashes continued.

I miss some people who had their dashes shortened by either illness or stupid. Perhaps both. But they will be in my memory until the day my dash ends. On that day, I want a celebration of what my dash was. Of what was overcome and what was a success. Not a day of talking about unfinished books, cluttered garages or vacations not taken.

It is after all, MY dash!

Value: The measure of a man, or woman

How do you value others? Really, how is your perception of you fellow man measured. What makes this person of value to you?

According to Merriam-Webster:
1val·ue noun \ˈval-(ˌ)yü\
Definition of VALUE
1
: a fair return or equivalent in goods, services, or money for something exchanged
2
: the monetary worth of something : market price
3
: relative worth, utility, or importance
4
: a numerical quantity that is assigned or is determined by calculation or measurement
5
: the relative duration of a musical note
6
a : relative lightness or darkness of a color : luminosity b : the relation of one part in a picture to another with respect to lightness and darkness
7
: something (as a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable

Of all the definitions listed here for the noun "value" which one would you pick? Does you definition of "value" have more to do with what someone brings to the party in the way of goods and services for exchange with like kind and quantity? Or are you more interested in the amount of money one happens to be in possession or control of?

Non of these really sum up my definition of "value", I look more to what we can give to each other not so much in terms of goods, services or even gold and silver, but to what we can be for each other. I wrote of my friends a couple days ago and that is something that I value. I can't put a price on that friendship, or what my friends bring to me. I shutter to think that I even bring anything to the party worth more than a tinkers damn. But it's a relationship that is of more value to me than any goods or services.

Can you put a price on have a shoulder to cry on when you are down? A shoulder that doesn't seek compensation or even expect it. But one that knows that when the tables are turned, a shoulder will always be there. Someone who values you enough to listen to what you have to say. Who knows that bad things happen to us all and it just happens to be you this time but is willing to stand in the gap for you. No, those things are without price, yet they have value.

Can you imagine seeking out a relationship with someone by asking "What's in it for me?" What do you bring with you that is of value? I have a valuable relationship with Jesus. I love Him. I'm not worthy of His love or even His friendship, yet, I have a relationship with Him. I bring nothing but myself to this one, and He values me. He actually died for me once. That's how much He values me. You have to admit that is a lot!

We all seek out that which will enrich our lives, we are human. We like shiny things with buttons! Loud, fast and smokin' hot! Valuable things. Big houses, cars, boats and whatever the latest gotta have it is. We tend to look at people the same way; pretty is good. Tall and handsome makes us smile. Big bucks? Come right on in! And we all have plenty of friends as long as we're buying. Not much value in that if you want my opinion. Looks fade, money is fickle on it's best day, and anything new is used a day later.

What I value most are the things that cannot be bought at any price. A happy family is hard to find these days because everything has a price. I would love to have a couple kids that I could nurture and teach. They bring nothing to the party but themselves, but they are priceless. A woman that devotes herself to raising these kids to me would be priceless. Forgoing any personal gain to rear her offspring is worth more to me than all the nannies and cleaning services in the world! Pretty valuable if you ask me.

I would like to say we all have some value, but we don't. Some are takers, never giving anything and when you run out of things to give, they move on to others. Not much value to me. Judging those that have little but themselves to give and not willing to accept it. I'm glad Jesus didn't feel that way about me. I value you, and I know you do me.

Sometimes, you have to deal with it!

There are times in our lives when we have things happen that only we can do something about. Some things can't be delegated or just ignored any longer. It's uncomfortable at it's very best and we don't even want to think about it at it's worst. "It" has it's own meaning to each person and my "It" may pale in comparison to your"It".

You can tell me how you would handle my "It" and it may be the right thing to do, but you are not walking in my shoes and know what I know about what is behind the curtain of my "It". You can say that "It" isn't that bad and to just suck it up and deal with it! Strong words from someone who is not in the game. Free advice is worth every cent! But sometimes it will cost you a fortune. Or a lifestyle. Sadly, it has cost lives before. You hear about support groups for different causes so you think there are people there to help, and there are some. Trouble is, the heavy lifting is left to the individual. No one can remove the "It" from the room but you.

Some things were never talked about in the first person so when we are blindsided by our "It", we don't know what to do! We seek out the "experts" and they are no help at all. So what do we do? Are we going to try and remove the "It" from our lives? Or are we going to become overwhelmed by the circumstances and just live with our "It"? Should we nurture our "It" so that it will grow and mature into a totally unmanageable beast? Let it be the center of our lives forever? Become our master? I can't answer that for anyone and I will not even try. I thank you for your input on my "It", and I will give your insights careful consideration. However, the fallout is mine alone as it is with your "It".

It's gut check time. These are the best options and this is the short term ramifications. This is how life as I know it will change forever and this is how the future will look if I take the "It" and kick it to the curb. This is what will happen if I keep the "It" alive and well. Either way, it will be uncomfortable, it's just that one is a known and one is an unknown. That dreaded fear of loss of anything far outweighs the joy of possible gain.

I pray that your "It" is handled the way it needs to be.

Friends....

I know a lot of people. I literally know hundreds of people. I say I know them but when I see them, I have to shuffle through the mental Rolodex to try and remember the name of who it is I'm talking to. I know people that I buy things from, I do things for, owe money to or hire on a temp basis. I know them. We are not friends.

I have a little over 100 Facebook friends. I'm funny about who I friend. I know most of them personally from some time in the past. Most of them were classmates and now, almost 40 years later, we are "friends". Some are work related and some just seemed interesting. That's cool. I like thinking that we are but in reality, we don't know each other.

I hold friendship in really high regard. I have a very narrow definition of the word. I have 2 very good friends. These friends hold my trust and I theirs. It's a bond that cannot be broken for any reason. That's why we are friends.

We didn't set out on a coarse to become such friends but common interest and life made us so. I like that. I like having someone I can talk to about almost anything. They know me better than anyone else in the world and I know them as well. There isn't a competition between us, there is respect and love.

We all lead separate lives and have different hopes for the future, but we are in each others corners. Moral support is rampant. Shoulders are always there and the words are constantly flowing. I just spent a weekend with one and we talked about everything for 2 days! I was a soul cleansing that we both needed.

These 2 people are my family. I love them both and they me. We are good for each other and will for all intents and purposes, will always be bonded by the river of life we all are floating on. Most people think that if they know someone, they are friends. That is true to an extent, but to really know someone like I know these 2, and the way they know me, that takes the meaning to a level few people experience. Some never experience the depth of the relationship we have, I am fortunate to have 2 people that I am proud to call my friends. I am a blessed man for the experience.

Thank you for being my friends.

The awakening

I've seen the light of day and felt the promise of tomorrow. Hard to do these days, especially for me in light of the current economy but I have a reason to be optimistic.

Let me explain if I can; I have found freedom and happiness and it's funny that they are walking along hand in hand. It's funny because I've searched for either of them for years but have never been introduced as of yet. Maybe it's turning 52 a while back or just the fact that I don't take life as seriously as I did a few years ago.

This is a high water mark for me. It's always been stay as focused as you can, usually not very well, go beyond expectations and deliver beyond any promise made. That takes it's toll on you after a lifetime and you finally reach a point of no return. A point of just saying I can no longer make the thing work anymore. I am losing a big part of me just trying to live! And there are not that many years left for me to live!

Regrets? Oh hell yes! I have a stack of them, and it pisses me off to think that I can never replace those with some sort of effort to rectify them. I don't need to go into specifics, it's sufficient for the moment to just say they exist. And they growl at me from time to time saying "Hey boy, how'd that work out for ya?" Knowing the answer is "Not to good."

Well, last week I realized that I need to have a little more me time. I have 3 steadfast rules for living that I pass on to others when they have problems; they are:
1. You cannot make someone happy. I'm not talking about telling a joke or being light hearted and jovial, I mean, you cannot be responsible for the lifetime joy of another human being! Happiness is elusive and runs and hides with whatever emotional spams hits another. We do what we can to be happy and cheerful to others, but we cannot make them happy.
2. You cannot make someone healthy. Not talking about curing diseases here, chronic health conditions exist and must be lived with, managed or accepted as the norm.
3. You cannot make someone love you! You can love anyone you choose to, heap upon them every effort to win favor and misread the acceptance of your intentions as love. But, love is love. It can't be taken by force or bought at any price. It must be given freely; without strings, reservations or exceptions.

This will be misunderstood I'm sure. I don't care. Read rule #1. I spent a lot of years making, or should I say trying to make others happy. I cannot do that!!! I am what I am. I am a Rat Bastard at times. I freely admit it. A friend of mine and I established an organisation this past weekend celebrating the Bitches and Rat Bastards among us! Membership by application and appointment only.

So, with this new outlook, things have never seemed more positive for me. I'm still broke, that will change in time. I still love my work, that I don't think that will ever change. And I am still getting older. Unless they crack that space time thingy, it will continue to be so, I hope.

Life is so good right now and the promise of tomorrow is better every day!

The time of my life.

I've got some bone to pick with life. It doesn't make sense a lot of times but that is the very nature of it. Confused? I am. Have been for a long time too. Actually, I quit trying to make sense of it and making long range plans a while back because number 1, every time I do plan on something, it changes at the last minute and second, the last minute changes usually change too.

You might say, so what. Everyone has to change plans. OK. I agree but the thing of it is, it marks every part of my life.

Take vacations for example. (Was that a pun?) I haven't had one in over 2 years. Except for a couple long weekends, my life has been steady working, trying to maintain the status quo. I don't have the time to go anywhere. I want to go to Asheville in a couple weeks for a long weekend. We take the camper to a campground on the French Broad River and spend the weekend looking at the beauty that God has supply in abundance. Will this happen? Who knows. I believe we are going the minute we pull out of the driveway.

Own your own business! Set your own hours! Bullshit!!! Let me set the record straight. I love what I do, I'm pretty good at it and wouldn't want to do anything else. However, I am the first one there and the last one there. I get calls all the time. I am the last one to get paid if there is anything left AFTER everyone else is paid. Now there are some perks that others can't experience, like a long afternoon nap if I choose and need one. (doesn't happen often thought) A long lunch or the ability to tell someone, I just don't want to work for you.

A couple years ago, someone once told me in a conversation that I was an overnight success. I looked at this person with shock in my eyes and my mouth wide open and said; "Yeah, an overnight success that's taken 12 years to come about!"

It's not easy, but it's what it is. It's what I choose and a life I have come to accept. Complaining never makes life easier, just releases some steam and that's why I'm here.

I couldn't be an employee any longer. Been away from the world of order and time sheets for too long. I always felt constricted under the thumb of my bosses of the past. Egos are tender things and most of them had their own zip code. I try to keep mine in check but still, if you are in my position, you have to be confident in yourself. Otherwise you will be taken down when you least expect it.

Time to go to work now. Later.

Blogging part 2: A peek into my world

This was published almost a year ago on August 19,2011. I think it's something that needs to be brought up again because of the complete lunacy of the world today and how people take complete fiction as truth or reality. Maybe I should have prefaced it with this declaimer; Any and all persons depicted in this blog bare no resemblance to any actual character, person or event unless specifically stated. So noted. Read it and weep, go screw yourself or just go pound sand if you take offense! And for the record, I do NOT hear voices, that is just a dramatization. Look up the definition if you need to, root word is "drama". As has been stated, if you don't like what you read, STAY THE HELL OFF MY BLOG!!!


I stopped doing this a while back because of a post that was completely taken as an affront by another person. It was a cry for help. Nothing more, nothing less, written in the 3rd person and complete fiction. I've missed writing. Not that I think I'm that good, but just the voices in my head refuse to be silent until I give them what they want. Life.

Pretty simple isn't it? They are not always pretty, but they are mine.

I said when I started writing a couple years ago that if you like this that's good, if you don't no sleep will be lost over it. I should have listened to myself then but the circumstances at the time didn't allow for that attitude. You see, I will cut off my nose to spite my face. That damn Irish temper and German stubbornness.

Anyway, I'm here again and hope that if you read this and enjoy it, you will come back again. If not, thanks for stopping by and maybe we can still be friends. (insert smiley face emoticon here)

My thoughts are mine, I don't need to explain or apologize for them. American is ruled by laws based on the Constitution and as long as what I write doesn't cause harm to others, I can say what I want! I love that concept. In other words, you don't have to agree with me, I doubt you will agree on everything with anybody. Just as what you believe, may or may not be on par with my beliefs. Got to love America! PC police are not permitted here!

A friend has encouraged me to do this, I need it and I look forward to blasting the interweb with all sorts of loosely jointed insights on the crazy mixed up world I live in. I write in simple terms because, unless you cloister yourself in the walls of academia, the world speaks in simple terms. I learned a long time ago, the bigger the words, the more time you spend explaining what you said. To borrow a phrase from Forest Gump, "I'm not a smart man...." That was taken out of context but you have to love that!

I'm going to try and reload the old post, because they meant a lot to me. Some were really good, some really sucked but they were all put down in writing because of the words that rattle around in my head needed a home.

Don't get scared off because of them, it's just me. I never really know what floor the elevator is going to stop on. Or whether or not I'm going to get off on that floor and look around or push some more buttons.

Well, the voices of the new day are beginning to speak. It's going to be a good one. You may ask ,"How do you know this?", because I choose to make it that way.

I hope you decide to do the same.