Christmas and me

It's been a strange Christmas for me this year. I decided this year wasn't going to be the usual buying frenzy and gift giving that it was in the past; money has been tight for a few years now and getting tighter. That being said, the true meaning of Christmas has been on my mind a good bit lately. I'm glad it has been too, I keep thinking about people and how to deal with certain situations that are popping up here and there.

My true friends, the ones who don't just want me to help out with something and go away, are my present this year. The ones who are willing to get dirty. Do the heavy lifting and stand with me through it all. I can count these people on 1 hand and still have fingers left over. We will stand together through it all and we will survive. This is a blessing.

I think about how fortunate I am by having a roof over my head and food in my stomach. The thought of living under a bridge is not appealing as is eating out of trash cans behind the local McDonalds. Another blessing.

I have shoes on my feet. I have been places where they don't have such things, they would love to have my worn out beat up boots or my sneakers. Blessing.

You see where this is going? It's not about the trappings of life that makes Christmas, it's the love I feel from others and that is felt toward them. I have enough stuff. No more is needed in my life these days. My needs are met and I will get by.

I will keep thinking about the very first Christmas present ever given. It's still there today. All you need to do is just accept it. It's actually a gift that keeps on giving.

Merry Christmas!

Ready for anything

I went for a ride on my bike yesterday evening. I've done this for, I don't know, maybe 5 years now? Just got home and needed to make myself hurt so I go get my trusty 2 wheeled steed out of the living room. I had gotten a flat on my last ride and needed to repair it first. Not a problem, I have the stuff to do that and I've been fixing bike flats since I was 6. It took me about 5 minutes and my bike was ready.

It was cold, so I put my kit on along with a long sleeve t shirt, then over my shorts, long riding compression pants. Over this, I wore a riding jacket. Add the gloves and helmet and I was ready.

I filled a water bottle and decided to at the last minute, put the headlight on. I discovered the batteries were dead so batteries were located and installed. I was ready for the ride now.

I've ridden on this road for a few years now so I am familiar with the way things work here. Most people know a lot of cyclist ride here so they at least are mindful of us. But no matter, I have a mirror so I can see what is coming from behind me. I'm ready for the unexpected.

It was a really good ride. Cold, clear and invigorating. It started getting dark so I turned on my headlight. Thinking about how good it was to have thought of it. Really proud of myself. Then I stopped for a break and a drink of water. Another cyclist rode by and asked if everything was OK, it was and thanked him for asking. Then, I started back on the road. The front tire was flat!

Now you might think this was an emergency, and it could very well have been. But ever since I started riding, there has been a bag strapped beneath the saddle. In this bag, there is a spare tube, tools and inflation devices. Even though I have changed dozens of tubes over the years and patched as many, I have never had to repair a tire along the side of the road before! And just before dark in the cold isn't where anyone would would choose to do this, but, we can't pick and choose when and where we have difficulties. I have never been able to schedule a crisis, put one off until it was warmer, daylight or when I could better afford it. Or, even when I was better prepared for it mentally!

Being prepared for something that could happen is just common sense. Now, you can't prevent things from happening, but how you handle them can be. I know that flats happen on bikes, the tires are thin and light for a purpose and hitting a hole can puncture on. So, knowing that walking in cycling shoes is not easy and having carried many a cyclist home with their bikes in the back of my truck tells me that being prepared for this is just something to do. It turned into a minor inconvenience as opposed to a long cold walk home in the dark.

I should have taken this advice last week when I drove my old truck for the first time in a couple months, and carried a jug of water with me.....

Things that I have missed

I'm now in my 50's and that warrants a glance back at what things have never entered my life. Things I thought of but never had the pleasure experience or the opportunity came too late or just didn't show up at all.

Simple things, like childhood. I didn't have a happy one. I seemed to sense this as a child, but didn't know what was missing. My other friends were happy, or seemed to be. I went to their homes and saw how the family dynamic worked. Seemed strange to me that they talked to their fathers and they smiled a lot. I tried to avoid mine and worked really hard at it. He felt children were to be used for manual labor in the yard and garden. He didn't play or enjoy anything so we, by extension, should not either. I played little league football one year, he never came to a single game. Christmas was a bad time and it still is something I don't like much, bad memories. I realized later in life what I missed.

As I entered adolescence, it never occurred to me that there was a future and I just might be invited to participate in it. I decided that it wasn't worth the effort to excel, there was no praise or guidance. And understanding wasn't available from any source. I did have a family I hung with, it was really interesting too. 2 girls were my best friends in high school and I was almost like a member of the family. It felt good being there with them, almost normal. I reveled in the company of these people, even though I knew I would never be a voting member, it was a good escape. A few years later it dawned on me, you missed the best time of your life. I thank those folks for giving me an impermanent view of what it could have been.

I spent the early years of my life with a chip on my shoulder and a bad attitude. After getting my butt kicked by life, I decided to look at successful people and emulate that behavior. Not so good when your personality doesn't mesh with that persona. Having been told that I would amount to nothing, I set out to prove the world wrong. I missed out on friendships, college and opportunity because of the latter.

Fatherhood was not to be mine either. That goes hand in hand with parenthood. You know, sharing the joys and sometimes sorrows with your life partner. I know the heartache of knowing that I wouldn't be a father. After 2 invitro attempts, and 4 embryo implants, the future was clear. No children. I missed out on 2 AM feedings, diapers, scouts, driving lessons and teaching what I know to my offspring.

My later years have been concerned with running a business. It is all consuming and leaves little time for anything but itself. I don't get day's off or vacations like others do and since the economy has tanked, I work a part time job to keep afloat. I will probably die with a hammer in my hand. I have missed out on the fruit of my labor. It has withered on the vine.

I am a cynical man but at least I know what I have missed. I can't change that but I can try and change the next few years to be more open to life and all the wonders that it holds. I want to crack that nut and see what's inside. Who knows, this could be the best time of my life. I'm sure hoping it will be!