Things that I have missed

I'm now in my 50's and that warrants a glance back at what things have never entered my life. Things I thought of but never had the pleasure experience or the opportunity came too late or just didn't show up at all.

Simple things, like childhood. I didn't have a happy one. I seemed to sense this as a child, but didn't know what was missing. My other friends were happy, or seemed to be. I went to their homes and saw how the family dynamic worked. Seemed strange to me that they talked to their fathers and they smiled a lot. I tried to avoid mine and worked really hard at it. He felt children were to be used for manual labor in the yard and garden. He didn't play or enjoy anything so we, by extension, should not either. I played little league football one year, he never came to a single game. Christmas was a bad time and it still is something I don't like much, bad memories. I realized later in life what I missed.

As I entered adolescence, it never occurred to me that there was a future and I just might be invited to participate in it. I decided that it wasn't worth the effort to excel, there was no praise or guidance. And understanding wasn't available from any source. I did have a family I hung with, it was really interesting too. 2 girls were my best friends in high school and I was almost like a member of the family. It felt good being there with them, almost normal. I reveled in the company of these people, even though I knew I would never be a voting member, it was a good escape. A few years later it dawned on me, you missed the best time of your life. I thank those folks for giving me an impermanent view of what it could have been.

I spent the early years of my life with a chip on my shoulder and a bad attitude. After getting my butt kicked by life, I decided to look at successful people and emulate that behavior. Not so good when your personality doesn't mesh with that persona. Having been told that I would amount to nothing, I set out to prove the world wrong. I missed out on friendships, college and opportunity because of the latter.

Fatherhood was not to be mine either. That goes hand in hand with parenthood. You know, sharing the joys and sometimes sorrows with your life partner. I know the heartache of knowing that I wouldn't be a father. After 2 invitro attempts, and 4 embryo implants, the future was clear. No children. I missed out on 2 AM feedings, diapers, scouts, driving lessons and teaching what I know to my offspring.

My later years have been concerned with running a business. It is all consuming and leaves little time for anything but itself. I don't get day's off or vacations like others do and since the economy has tanked, I work a part time job to keep afloat. I will probably die with a hammer in my hand. I have missed out on the fruit of my labor. It has withered on the vine.

I am a cynical man but at least I know what I have missed. I can't change that but I can try and change the next few years to be more open to life and all the wonders that it holds. I want to crack that nut and see what's inside. Who knows, this could be the best time of my life. I'm sure hoping it will be!