Certain signs of aging...

I've been feeling the pain of growing older lately. Not in such a bad way as physical pain, but the emotional pain of aging. That, in and of itself is probably more hurtful than the physical aspect. Almost like the blog I wrote a while back about change. 

I'm pretty healthy, physically active and still have my wits about me. Not bad for me. I can still hold my own against anyone. But things are changing and I'm don't know how much more change I can accept, or even want to accept. I am at a crossroads in the career department. I may have to close my business. I don't want to. It's been my baby for 17 years and it has kept me up a lot over the years but here lately, there isn't much life left in it. I even made the decision a few months back to do just that, close it down. Good fortune has smiled on me and for whatever reason, I had kept up the insurance and other essentials required to do what it is I do. So, I'm working again. Loosing this would be a blow to me that would be hard to overcome, I would survive it no doubt, maybe even thrive in another arena but it would be like loosing someone you care about deeply. And yet, another opportunity presents itself today, wish me luck!  

Friends are loosing parents. Most have lost at least one, I lost my dad 9 years ago so I know that void well. I have one now who is about to loose a mother, I feel for her, I really do. Watching the people that brought you into the world suffer is hard. You think, this person was undefeatable, and yet death is slowly picking away at the surface until there is nothing left. Those that nurtured us, protected us and raised us to be who we are, our real life Superheros, leaving us. We are thus charged with taking care of them at this point. To make them as comfortable as we can and to do whatever we can to ease their suffering. My friend is doing this and doing it well. Death knocks on every door and we all must at some time in our lives open it. If we could bring back those that left us would we? I can only speak for myself and the answer is no. Dad is happy where he is and I am not so selfish as to deprive him of his happiness. No one can take from me my memories and the sage advice given over the years, those are mine forever.

I could ramble on and on about things that make no sense, lack of a work ethic, moral code or even music, but that is for another day. Let's just say that change is catching up with me and it is something that I have to digest. I will feel compassion for my friends in pain and loss. Change what I need to adjust to and just be human for the time being.   

The never ending battle

I started reading a book last night. It's one I actually read 11 or so years ago and I recently recommended it to a friend. It's called "Wild at Heart" and it helps to unravel the mystery as to what makes us men and why we feel the compulsion to act like we do. Think about it, men are hard to find these days. I don't speak of the male species of human, but of the true unbridled man that seeks adventure and does things that are sometimes prefaced with phrases like "Hey fellas! Watch this!"

It's a biblical based book that speaks of the wildness of a true mans heart. About how a real man  seeks adventure, seeks danger and the thrill of fighting. Seeking that thing or things that make you feel alive. Not always winning but knowing that you at least fought for something. In the movie Braveheart, the line that captivates me is "All men die, few men truly live." This is so true. Most guys (notice I didn't say men) live a life of past glories and dream of the things they will never do. Never do because they are afraid or just don't feel the risk is is worth the reward. Thinking to themselves, "What if I fail?" Well, what if you do? Vince Lombardi once said "If you can't accept loosing, you can't win." I agree with this statement. If you are not willing to risk everything for the prize, don't show up. There is no room for posers in the real mans world.

Children are the biggest losers from all of this. A boy is a boy. Not a girl with a penis, yet that is how they are usually raised told to behave. Fathers don't do things with their sons much anymore, because, well, they never learned what to do from their fathers. They feel that if they provide for them, that is sufficient for the moment. It's not. All boys seek the approval of their father. All boys want a Dad! They want to show off, be praised and told that even if you didn't do it very well this time, you will someday. Most never hear that and are much worse off. Boys are loud, dirty and rambunctious. We make weapons out of sticks and kill things in our pursuits of whatever war game fantasy we are acting out. It's who we are. Girls don't fart, play army, sword fight or wallow in the mud! I make no apologies for that statement or for being what we are.

Guys leave their families for whatever reason. Let the ex raise the kids, stay involved to the minimum required and writing a check as needed. Well, here is the facts, a man cannot raise a girl to be a woman, so why do we leave the raising of boys to women? Solution? I wish I could answer that but I can't. It would be easier to carry around a bucket of steam! I have mentored young men in the past and the big thing with most all of them is they want someone, preferable a male, to give them direction, boundaries and approval. They wanted to please the alpha male. The need to do this. Xbox isn't going to do it anymore than Barney videos will.

It's a sad commentary on our society but the truth is painful sometimes. We are portrayed as stupid Neanderthals that drag our knuckles and are really not much good for anything but sperm donations. I blame a lot of things for this but can't change a single one. Nor do I want to. I do what I do, live like I do and take comfort in knowing that I am a man. Do I like to fight? No, it's not fun or pretty. Never last longer than a few seconds and even when you kick the other guys ass, it's still painful. More so to the other guy, but broken knuckles take a while to heal. And occasionally, they get in a punch or two. But, I will never run from a fight. However, it is our brains that make us men. Start using them guys. We need you!

Stuff

Due to pending legal issues; most notably a divorce and sleazy antics by others, it's been a while since I have posted any thoughts on life and things in general. There is a lot that could be said and at some point it will be but for the here and now, this is all there is.

I am living in a camper in a campground now. It is no more than 200 square feet and the lot isn't much bigger than that. Compare that with leaving over 2500 square feet with 2 acres and you see the contrast. Is it tight? You betcha! But really, how much space do we really need? There is a refrigerator that is well stocked. There is a pantry that is full of the things that I like. Although the kitchen is small, there is a stove, counter top and sink. All the pots and pans one could need. A comfortable bed along with a TV that never is turned on. Outside I have tomatoes and peppers growing in containers. An herb garden and some beautiful plants in hanging baskets and containers. My little piece of heaven. Everything I need is in here. And then some.

So, not too long ago while looking around at my home, I see the excess that we all suffer from. I have things in here that are never used nor will they be anytime soon if ever! It's not that there is that much but it's come to my attention that we consume too much! Seriously, why do we feel compelled to buy more stuff that we never use, to occupy space we really don't need, to store more stuff we forget we have to begin with?

Working in retail has given new insights to this also. We teach our children that we need to buy stuff. Regardless of what this is, Ipods, earrings, clothing or the newest and smartest TV or phone. And then the extra stuff that makes these things work! I see people come in the store and spend no less than 45 minutes picking out a cover for their "smart phone" or Ipod! Then in 6 months when the latest version comes out, there is a mad dash to bling this on up! Tell me please, how is it this newest phone or tablet is going to make your life better? And why in the name all that is sacred; would you spend $50 on a case for it! If it's that delicate, I don't want it! The same holds true for almost anything, from cars to clothes. We spend so much time and resources on things that will no longer be new the second you take it home, we loose sight of all that should be important to us.

This is a new mind set for me I admit. Living like I am tends to make one aware of what truly is important and what is a want versus a need.

I need shelter. I have that. I'm not under a bridge or in a refrigerator box behind the train station. It's warm, dry and comfortable. A need met.

I need food. That is here too. I eat well. I love to cook and have the necessary tools for doing so. I also use coupons and buy the specials. Hey, if they are going to drop money on the floor, I feel the urge to pick it up.

I need clothing. This helps to not only protect us from the elements, but tends to keep the police from asking you to please blow into this tube! I don't really care about fashion but if you do, then by all means keep doing it! There are enough ugly people out there as it is and poorly dressed ugly people will ruin your vision!

I need transportation. I have that. I change the oil when needed and wash it occasionally. It's a truck, not and idle or some god needing to be praised and worshipped. Point A to point B. I also have the means to fuel this truck do get to said point A and B.

Clean water. Have that in spades. Good for bathing and drinking. I do both.

The one thing that I missed while in Haiti a few back was a flush toilet. Of everything that I could have wished was there, that was it. I have that too.

I really do have it all when you think about it, because I have my friends. You can take away everything that I have left and my true friends will still be there. I can get more stuff. Newer and bigger stuff. Faster and shiny er stuff. After all, it's just stuff.

My friends are forever!!!!

Dig the ditch

I haven't talked about much in the past couple months due to a pending legal matter and what I say here tends to be taken out of context and used against me. So much for free speech! But there is something I want to talk about. Work.

I work part time at the worlds largest retailer. It's a good job, doesn't pay a lot but it fills a need at this point. I would be hungry and homeless without it and I wont be either of those. I like working there, knowing it's not a career is helpful too, but some of my fellow workmates feel differently. They don't grasp the concept of "Just dig the ditch."

Real simple, our job is to, for lack of a better term, to dig the ditch. Figuratively, not literally. We don't really dig ditches in the retail world if you were wondering.

What I mean by dig the ditch is just that. We are not required to nor do we want to be in charge of the ditch. We are not responsible for the length, breadth or depth of the ditch. We do not decide the direction of the ditch. We do not supervise the digging of the ditch. Our job, is to dig the ditch. Too simple a concept for some, yet it is true, we are to dig the ditch.

When our shift is over, we get out of the ditch and go home. Leaving the ditch for others to dig in for a while. We don't worry about the ditch when we are not digging it and I personally don't worry about the ditch when I am digging it. I do my job as best I can, I want no more than the opportunity to continue digging the ditch. But want none of the responsibility of the ditch. I do not want that pay grade because it requires more than I am ever willing to give to a ditch ever again.

Just dig the damn ditch. Stop bitching and pick up your shovel and dig. Life is easier this way.